How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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