Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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