Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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