just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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