he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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