Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
