pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
