If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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