ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
