He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
