How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
