Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
