I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
