Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
