I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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