You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
