so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
