I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dear god my vagina.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
