I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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