you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
