the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
