I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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