a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
