I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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