Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
