what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
