Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
