i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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