he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
