I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Enjoy the penises
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
