It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
