Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
