i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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