Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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