Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
