Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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