we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
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Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
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I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize