I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
