My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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