youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
