so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
please come you make the beer taste better
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
