how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
