totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
