A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
