Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
