I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
