Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
