i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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