Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just pee around me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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