im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
