No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
