Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
