Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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