I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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