he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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