I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
