You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
