I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
